Some see it as a blessing, some see it as a problem, some see it as a gift.
Today, I will be blogging about my gift.
My extremely precious gift.
As I said in my previous post A Fresh New Start, I haven’t been pouring my heart out in the blog this past few months because of a few incidents that happened to me. That is why I’ve only been blogging about only my looks etc. I couldn’t express what I have been feeling. Everything was just on the surface.
I promised in my post Stellar Kandi that I am going to blog about my raya diaries. It was easy to share happy pictures on Instagram, but it took quite a while for me to share about my feelings on Raya on my own blog.
I was very hesitant. Because sharing my raya would mean sharing about her. My baby. I love sharing about my daughter. I love to share about people dear to me or anything that I love. But I know that there are people who do not like it when I share about my late daughter based on some of the hurtful comments that I received from followers on IG or in the blog.
But you know what? I feel that if other parents can share whatever they like about their children, well, I can too.
I miss using my blog to express myself and and my feelings about her. It feels nice to get to talk about her. Other than praying and talking to the Creator about my feelings, or talking to my family about how I feel, I find writing (or blogging) very therapeutic.
So, today I decided to start sharing about my raya story. Here at a cafe near my apartment because I need to use their wifi. The husband has just left to go to his office about almost two hours ago to prepare for a hearing that he has to handle tomorrow morning. So, it's just me, my laptop, soya cincau and pau kaya with me now.
Anyways...
It started the night before the last day of fasting. I broke fast and did the tarawikh prayers with my in-laws and slept at their place. Had a lovely sahur with them.
And then, that morning straight from my in-laws house my husband and I went to visit my daughter’s grave. My in-laws visited her the day before.
This is our second Raya as parents to Jibrael. Last year (see Black Eid) me, my husband and the whole family went to visit her grave on the morning of raya. But this year my husband and I decided to go a day before raya.
It was difficult and I am not going to lie and say that it was easy. It is always difficult evertyime I go to her grave. Because I never expected in my entire life that I would ever have to visit my child’s grave. I always thought that it should be the other way around.
But, I am blessed because through this pain and sacrifice, I am blessed with a child in heaven. Heaven... The place we can all only pray and try our best to be worthy to go to. All praises to the Creator for this gift. However painful, however bittersweet. He always has a better plan for us than we can imagine. I am truly blessed.
I remember the difficult conversation I had with the person who was in charge to do up Jibrael’s tombstone earlier this year.
Me: Saya nak buat kubur...
Her: Kubur siapa ya?
Me: Kubur ... anak saya...
Her: Berapa tahun dia meninggal?
Me: Tak sampai sehari dia hidup... dia hidup 12 jam lepas tu dia meninggal.
Her: Okay sebab nak anggar luas or panjang kubur tu. Nak kubur yang macam mana tu?
Me: Saya nak yang ada kayu kat tepi lepas tu ada batu nisan yang warna putih macam marble tu.
Her: Oh, nak tulis apa ya?
Me: … (blank.) … Nama... Boleh tak kalau saya sms apa yang saya nak tulis? Saya nak bincang dengan suami saya dulu.
Her: Bila dia meninggal?
Me: 14 Januari 2013.
Her: Nak dekat setahun dah……
And then it hit me.
… It took me quite a while to recover from that ‘simple’ less than 5 minutes conversation. It was something I have never ever imagine I would have to go through in my life... ever.
Expect the unexpected...
When she asked me all these unexpected questions: what sort of grave I wanted, how big, what I wanted to write on the tombstone and most importantly, when she made me realize that it was almost a year since she passed away and I haven’t even done her grave, it hit me hard. Really really hard. I didn’t know what to expect when I called her up, but each question felt like a knife stab, re-opening all the wounds I tried to cover up. The pain I’ve tried my best to mask to the whole world.
I would never imagine that I have to go through thinking of what to write on my child’s batu nisan (tombstone). Even that was very difficult. Different people grieve differently. I know at Jibrael’s grave, I saw a lot of people do up their child’s grave as soon as possible but for me it took a really long while. It is just too difficult for both me and my husband. To say the least.
But you know what, we are going to take it one step at a time.
We can’t always distract ourselves and at some point in time we must face what we need to do. It gets more painful the longer we avoid it. It hurts more when we try to suppress the pain. Like a physical wound if you keep it unattended, it will get worse in time.
But its also important to face them one step at a time. Realising what we need to do is the first step in this situation. And sometimes, the first step is the hardest.
On another note, when we were at her grave and reciting prayers for her I could not stop thinking about how happy and how beautiful it must be there up in heaven where she resides. She does not have to suffer, or feel pain, or live in a world where we will worry that she will be harmed. For all her struggles and pain in this world, God has chosen to reward her immediately. What better reward can there be other than be promised heaven by the One who created everything that exists? None.
I am so proud of her. My blessed and strong beautiful angel, Putri Jibrael Zumirrah. I am truly blessed to receive her as my first daughter, a beautiful gift from the Creator. My inspiration to become a better human being. Just as she has been a gift to me, she has inspired me to become a gift to others too. I know I am nowhere near her. I am weak, but she is so strong. I haven’t contributed much to my loved ones, but she has contributed everything that she has to us her loved ones. Her existence in this world when she was in me and when she was in this world for that precious 12 hours has taught me so much about life. She fought to breathe. She fought to live. She fought to meet her parents with all her might.
Do we try hard enough to live and be the best we can be to the people around us? Especially the ones who love us the most?
Compared to her, I feel that I haven’t contributed anything to the ones around me.
She has opened up my eyes. She has made me realize a lot of things which I did not realize I was doing wrong. I feel that slowly Jibrael has turned me into a better individual than the person I was before. I am trying my best to strive and become a better individual to everyone around me.
All praises to God for the best gift I could ever receive. My first daughter, who now resides in heaven. The one who turned me into a mother.
Alhamdulillah.
May God guide me and the rest of my family to meet her again. It is something I pray for every day, and it will be the most beautiful meeting ever.
Mama can’t wait to see you again, Jibrael. One sweet day.
The above is a picture of the cover of a checklist notebook that my dear sister Hasanah Hilmi did for me and my husband. She did this when I was pregnant with Jibrael and she gave it to me during my confinement period. It is one of the sweetest things I have ever received from a friend.
A continuation of Her Due Date : 13.4.14 : Expect the Unexpected XV
PEACE & LOVE!
