After the passing of our first child, Jibrael, a lot of people told us that "you can always try again". "You’re so young you can always try again".
Try. T R Y. It’s such a short word. Only 3 letters. One syllable. It seems so easy. And when people say it, it sounds as though its very easy. To some, maybe it is. To others, it really is easier said than done. Truly, everything is in God's plans and determination.
People should try to understand this fact and also believe it when they say it and hear it. We can only try our very best and give all our efforts to get something, but at the end of the day , He determines everything. He has determined life and death and our sustenance. Yes, we can give our all to achieve something but at the end of the day, if its not for us, it won't be, but if He has determined that it is meant to be for us, it will be. It sounds so cliche and everyone keeps repeating it but at times it's as if we just say it but we don't really believe it. I know sometimes I might forget too, but I hope in writing this, when I read this in the future, when I start to doubt, I'll be reminded again and again. But, always trust in His plan and never despair and give up, no matter how hard it is. Life was never meant to be easy anyways.
Have you ever had that feeling, when you have prayed so hard for and tried everything to get something you really, really wanted for a real long time and you've given your all and one day, one very fine day, when you least expect it, you actually get it???
That's the feeling.
I was blessed to have my prayers answered. Yes, I was pregnant again. :)
PRAYERS ANSWERED
Throwback to just over a week after Hari Raya Haji, Aidil Adha. On 7th October 2015.
That week, I was busy sending stocks and preparing for the release of aere's Strength of Grace collection, had a blogging assignment for Kotex and I was also preparing for my solo 2-hour-plus talk for Petronita at Petronas. And that morning, we woke up early as Khubayb had to go to Shah Alam court. My period was late, I had weird cravings, my breasts were sore, I felt bloated and I just had a feeling, an instinct that I was pregnant. I asked Khubayb whether I should test for pregnancy. But after a few false alarms, Khubayb suggested we waited a little longer. But I had an instinct and wanted to try on that day itself - even though I didn't put too much hope into it. Because I've had instincts before that turned out wrong. But for those of you who have also been trying to conceive, you know what I mean. So we decided to do it.
I couldn't believe my eyes at first when I saw that the pregnancy stick showed 2 clear lines. Those 2 lines that we have been waiting for so long!!! The "positive" sign!
It has always showed one line (or a vague second line) the past 2 years after Jibrael every time my menses came late or when I thought I felt like I was pregnant. So after many, many, disappointments and frustrations over the past 2 years or more than 700 days, we finally saw 2 lines! Finally!!! So when we saw the double lined positive result on the pregnancy stick, we were beyond happy. We were filled with contentment and gratefulness: like, finally!!! After more than 2 years, more than 730 days, more than 17,520 hours, our prayers have been answered. :D
I told him and we hugged but he couldn’t believe it. We have been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years. Can’t remember the amount of pregnancy sticks we have used and how many times we just accepted the fact that there was only one line instead of two before this day.
We are pregnant.
All praises to the Creator, the One who creates life, the One to whom we belong.
I cannot even begin to express how content and happy I felt when I found out I was pregnant for the second time. I was extremely happy and content but I contained my excitement. I didn’t jump around I didn’t shout or scream (even though I really feel like it even as I'm typing this out) but inside me I felt like bursting with joy and happiness.
It was a mixture of feelings. I was happy that I'm pregnant but at the same time there was a flashback of when this happened the first time I was pregnant. I tested more than 3 sticks when I found out I was pregnant the first time with Jibrael just to be sure.
Khubayb was still in denial. He told me he'd buy more sticks just to be sure. He couldn't believe it and was in shock. But this time for me, after the first stick showed I was pregnant, I felt that I didn't have to check anymore. I wanted to believe that it's real. Because I've been waiting for this pregnancy for a very long while. As I said earlier, it's easy for others to say, "You're still young. You can try again." After Jibrael's passing. But they really have no idea how hard it is to keep on trying but always getting the "negative" results. Not that trying is not fun anyways. :D I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong.
We had prayed so hard for this pregnancy. We went for umrah together for the first time on January 2015 together with Khubayb's parents and his uncles and aunties. We prayed hard. All of us. Among others, we prayed for us to be granted with zuriat (offspring) which will bring us closer to His Love. We never stopped believing that our prayers would be answered although sometimes we had our doubts.
I was overwhelmed with happiness and contentment when I found out. Our prayers were answered. I was more excited than nervous but I didn't show it. I contained my feelings but I couldn't help but smile.
So anyways, we prayed Solat Sunat Syukur right after. Our prayers to get pregnant again was answered. I had to get a cab that day to FV's office because Khubayb had to rush off to Shah Alam court (he was late) and couldn't send me. I told him I couldn't wait to tell both our parents. So I tried calling all of them right away and ask them to pray for us. My mother-in-law picked up the phone first and she was so happy to hear the news. When my mother heard it she was happy but worried and concerned at the same time. Her concern surprised me, honestly. It made me realise certain feelings that I didn't realise before. It reminded me of my first pregnancy. I wasn't thinking about it at all before that. She told me to take it easy and not to work so hard or stress myself out.
Things needed to be done though. It was still a busy week for me. But honestly, I felt so happy and felt like bursting with joy and telling everyone in the whole wide world! But of course, we (and me especially) had to contain ourselves. We decided to tell only immediate family. And a handful of my close sisters (friends who are pretty much like family) who were especially there most of the time when I carried Jibrael. As well as a handful of close friends that I meet almost every single day.
SIGNS OF PREGNANCY
No wonder I have been craving food which I don't usually eat much prior to finding out. For instance I've been craving steaks and beef. I don't usually eat steaks. Even if we go to Western restaurants, I would normally order my predictable grilled salmon or lamb cutlets. I wasn't into steak that much. Even when my mother cooks rendang, I usually prefer the Rendang Pedas Ayam rather than the Rendang Tok Daging or Daging Besamah. Its not that I don't like it. I do, but it's just that I love fish and chicken more.
So the past month before I found out I was pregnant I've been having weird cravings of steaks. That was so weird. And I felt I didnt like chicken or fish so much. But it was a good thing that I was now appreciating beef and steaks.
Other than that, I've noticed rashes and pimples started coming out. Which is also really weird because I've always had clear skin. Usually if I do get pimples its like one or 2 small ones during that time of the month. Even when I was in high school but the skin has always been clear and I've never had to use any concealers to hide any pimples. But out of a sudden there's a lot of pimples coming out.
Like really, a lott!!!
But when I found out I was pregnant, I didn't mind it as much anymore. It was just the hormones. Anything for the baby. Anything, as long as our second child is perfectly healthy. I also gained weight. I know it's too early for me to be gaining weight but I gained a lot. Maybe also because of my appetite and my craving for steaks. I had to eat a steak almost every day.
DIFFERENT PREGNANCY
It's true when they say every pregnancy is different, even for the same mother.
When I was carrying Jibrael, I couldn't eat at all because I was vomitting non-stop and was nauseous always. I couldn't even drink water or brush my teeth without vomitting. I wrote a lengthy post about my first pregnancy in my post P.P.R.o.M. I lost a lot of weight and some people thought I looked aneroxic at the time. But with this pregnancy, I ate a lot. And I never felt like vomitting at all except once.
When I had Jibrael, my skin was flawless and glowing. I didn't have even a single dot of pimple. I remember when people came to the hospital when I was on strict bed rest, I dint even need to wear anything on my face. But I did use powder sometimes just for fun because I love makeup. But the skin was so clear. Not this pregnancy though. My skin had breakouts. It started on the forehead, and then it went to the chin. Sometimes I felt as though I don't recognise myself because my skin was so different.
This is also something that I've been thinking about writing and sharing for the longest time. But I kept it to myself and I couldn't talk about it. Sometimes people ask questions about the change of my skin and I just go quiet and couldn't answer. The reason my skin is like this is because of my second pregnancy. The pregnancy that I've never shared with anyone.
So, why am I sharing this now? Truthfully, I was always in two minds about whether or not I wanted to share about my second pregnancy. There were a lot of times that I felt like that I wanted to to share and express my thoughts and my feelings about it. But I didn't. I wrote it down and blogged about my experience on my phone but never published it. I typed down notes about my pregnancy almost every single day on my previous phone when I could.
I changed my phone in January recently. On the 14th of January, which is Jibrael's birthday to be exact. Didn't plan it though. My phone had served me well. I used it so much until the charge point was worn out and I had trouble charging my phone every day. Even changing batteries could not help. But it had served its purpose so it was time for a change.
Today I decided to open my old phone (after over 3 months) and I found all the things I wrote about my second pregnancy on my phone. Who knows when it'll die out on me for good, so I imported all my previous writings on it so I can keep everything I wrote. And today, I decided to share about it. And probably share some of my deepest thoughts too.
Some people close to me and friends from the blogging world have told me that I haven't really been blogging the past 6 months. Especially October onwards. At that time for a few months I didn't even Instagram much. They aren't wrong. Reason is, I've shared my thoughts and feelings, but in a more personal diary or journal. I've poured my heart and soul there and I didn't publish it here. The rest of the good things which are now secret : aere, my work and my travels, yes, I put on the blog. So yes, I felt a disconnect. My friends who read the blog feel it too.
I feel scared at times and shy to share about it, although I know I have nothing to be embarrassed about. As much as I see it as a beautiful experience but I know not many can see it in a positive way as both Khubayb and I see it too. I'm not trying to gain sympathy. I'm not trying to get pity. That's the last thing that I will ever ask for. Whatever it is, by not writing about it, I feel like there's a huge burden. I'm blessed to have aere and it's been keeping me sane, but it hasn't helped ease the burden. But even when I can write about it, I still can't talk about it. I am still unable to control my emotions. Is it the guilt for not acknowledging that it happened? I don't know. I just can't talk about it.
So, now after almost 6 months. When I'm supposed to be 33 weeks today. Over 8 months pregnant. I'm starting to share. Maybe this will help me.
The beautiful experience of my second pregnancy. Adik Jibrael. Jibrael's younger sibling whom Khubayb calls Adik and I call, Baby. :) Finally after over 2 years trying.
From the beginning, I've been very thankful that Jibrael has an adik. And now, she has one. It's what we've been praying for. May Allah grant our inner prayers and determine what is best for us. God knows best.
It was a beautiful experience. I'm writing this so I can relive the beautiful days that I was carrying my baby adik, my feelings and fears of what I went through. I'm going off to meet my family and celebrate the twice postponed double celebration of my brother Khairul and Khubayb's birthday now, so I'll share more soon. Till next time
My first note on the journal in my previous phone.
"We found out we're pregnant!!! Alhamdulillah."
7th October 2015
PEACE & LOVE!
