It's been a while since I've written and shared about my daughter, the late Putri Jibrael Zumirrah in the Expect the Unexpected series on my blog. I've been trying my best to keep myself busy and I haven't written about her absence since she left this world. It's been one year and ten months but I am still missing her so much and still struggling to deal with her absence. Now, I've been wanting to post about this for the longest time but certain things have triggered me to write this tonight. A dear friend's blogpost, and, believe it or not, after watching the Big Hero 6 movie.
I watched Big Hero 6 last night and there were so many things that I could relate to: The movie shows how losses affect people and how people deal with them differently. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
**BIG HERO 6 MOVIE SPOILER ALERT**
When the little kid Hiro lost his big brother after losing his parents, he was so broken. When he had the chance to seek revenge against the brother's killer, he suddenly found his purpose again. But he did not realise that it was his anger which drove him. He only managed to snap out of it when he realized that it wasn't what his brother would have wanted.
On the other hand, the villain let his anger consume him. He totally lost his way to seek revenge over his daughter's death. Hiro could have been that person too. He was lucky that his brother's love came through for him. In a way, I can relate. There are times when I just want to get angry with the world and everything, but I am thankful that I can turn to God when these feelings threaten to engulf me. I am thankful.
Don't get me wrong, Big Hero 6 was a good, enjoyable movie. It's heavily recommended. It made me laugh a lot, but it also dealt with a lot of issues which just struck a chord with me. It also made a lot of people cry too.
The other thing that I could relate to was that Baymax's prescription to help Hiro deal with his loss was quite accurate: having the support from family and friends, warm hugs, and non-judgmental and inoffensive words of comfort.
Alhamdulillah, I've had the warm support of lots of people last year when she first left this world: family and friends and I'm very thankful for that. But now, at a time when so many people have moved on with their lives, I'm still dealing with the hole in my heart, although I try my best not to show it. I still have to deal with the surge of grief that I have to deal with on my own. It's not that the support system is gone, but I do understand that people have their own lives, their own bigger problems. Everyone is busy with their own struggles and battles in life. Sometimes I feel like I do not want to impose my feelings on them.
I think I've turned from an extrovert into an introvert after my experience (read here: PPRoM).
So, I would rather contain my deepest feelings and just remain quiet or talk about other things that other people can easily relate to. Things that won't make people suddenly look sad, awkward or uncomfortable. I do realise it now that certain things will make people want to change topics because they wouldn't know what to say if I bring up Jibrael's name in my conversations. I feel lonely at times when I have to limit what I can talk about with people, but I do know that it is during these times that I have to turn to the Creator. He turns these people away from me so that I have no one else to turn to but Him.
One of the many things that I've learned is that dealing with grief is not linear. This is the most relatable advice any grieving person should realise as soon as possible so that they can understand their situation and not feel guilty that they have not managed to hide the feelings away. Society sort of expects that these feelings go away on their own after 6 months. But truth is, it doesn't. It won't. I can have two weeks of normal days where the grief doesn't affect me so much, but the next day, the grief overwhelms me again, so much so that I can't focus on anything else. They call it grief attacks. I blank out. I become numb, sad or angry at everyone or no one for no apparent reason, I become quiet. I become distant. I become socially awkward. I can't control it, and all it does is drive people away from me. But it's something I have come to accept and live with. The price for fighting for my daughter's life all the way with everything I had. and still losing her.
I accept it. And I will do it all over again for her without hesitation. I have no regrets because she has taught me so much and has made me a mother. I just miss her so much.
I do know that I am improving, especially from early last year where I would suddenly cry or panic if I hear sudden loud noises, when I couldn't even go out of my room without people forcing me to. When I couldn't bear to face some babies (some babies are okay, some aren't, especially girls, but I have no idea why and I can't control it). In that sense, I have improved over the past year. However, there are still triggers which affect me. Most of these triggers are unintentional, and I know that generally people mean well. But honestly they don't know the effects it has on those suffering from grief.
Grieving isn't a disease, illness or something you can just "get over". It is a life-long process. It's perfectly okay to not be okay and don't let anyone try and rush your journey of healing. Accepting this will also take time. People will try to convince themselves that they should quickly get over the loss and become "normal" again. The wound will never fully heal, it is not meant to. You have lost a piece of yourself which is no longer here on this world, but waiting for you in the hereafter. This is what I feel right now, as I'm writing this. This is a comfort for me. Of course, I still do have momentarily breakdowns so I'm writing this to remind myself because there are a lot of times when the trigger happens and I cannot control myself.
I write this in the sincere hopes of sharing my experience with those who have suffered loss and to those who want to help someone who they know have suffered loss. May this post be read in such light and may it be beneficial for everyone, and myself. May God grant us strength and guide us through this journey of healing and acceptance of the things that we can change and the things that we can't.
PEACE & LOVE!
